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Kent Shakespeare
Bizarro
Part 1
Far from Earth there lay a collection of rocks that once was a world. This world was once home to a population unlike any other, for they were not truly alive in the typical sense. Yet a thriving, sentient population they were. And when they were destroyed, the universe felt a little less colorful for its passing.
In the midst of this asteroid belt floated a rocket. Inside this rocket slept the last surviving inhabitant of the Bizarro World. Even the launcher of this rocket, known to the child as Daddy and Bizarro #1 to the rest of their world, had thought this rocket destroyed. In typical Bizarro fashion, he'd sent the escape rocket to the planet's core so he'd die first. Of course, he'd made the rocket completely indestructible.
The rocks surrounding the ship began to part, bouncing off the force-field of a large ship that approached the rocket. A tractor beam reached out and ensnared the rocket and drew it towards the ship, leading it to an opening in the hull.
Once the rocket was in the cargo bay, technicians swarmed over it, looking for the means to open it, which they quickly found. The techicians backed away as two important-looking aliens approached the rocket.
"I'd dared not hope there would be anything left," one of them said, looking into the opening of the rocket.
"And yet there it is," the other one said. "A perfect specimen. I had merely hoped for one mostly entact. Having one still alive is beyond my wildest expectations."
"Get him to laboratory, Alpha-Zeta 2-c99. Don't wake him," the first one ordered the technicians. "There will be much planning to do," he said to his companion, "to decide how best to utilize this discovery. This is truly a glorious day for the Superman Revenge Squad."
Part 2
Life had been lonely for Kltpzyxm since he was released from jail on the Bizarro World. Since he was guilty, he had been given a really short sentence. His fellow Bizarros had been friendly enough after releasing him, but they preferred chaos to order. Being a Bizarro of the fifth-dimensional imp, Mxyzptlk, he had an uncontrollable urge to make things orderly and peaceful wherever he went. It made it impossible to fit in.
Eventually, he went to the Fifth Dimension, hoping that the imps that lived there would accept him. But it was in their nature to be mischevious, and a Bizarro imp like Kltpzyxm who loved law and order was as out of place as Mxyzptlk was on Earth. After turning his third upside-down structure right-side up, he found himself in yet another jail. This time, the sentence wasn't so short.
After he was finally released, he left in hopes of finding somewhere he'd fit in. He spent the next few years travelling the universe and performing good deeds. None of the places he went to felt like home, though. He decided to retrace his steps and give his roots a second chance.
First, he returned to the Fifth Dimension. He was, after all, an imp, though a Bizarro one. He was horrified to discover that it was buried in sewage. His first instinct was to clean it up, so he cast a spell that removed the mess and returned everything to the way he remembered it.
As soon as he was done, he began to regret it and hoped he hadn't made some giant blunder. The imps thrived on mischievousness. This might be part of some elaborate prank which he might have ruined.
He heard a roar and looked up to the sky and realized how wrong he was. In the sky was a giant heart-shaped jewel. On its jeweled surface was what looked like a carving of his own face! Why it was roaring at him, he had no idea. That must be imp thing, he thought. Me show how much me like tribute by putting pretty jewel in nice setting. He waved his hand and the giant jeweled heart was encased in a gold setting with a giant chain. The face on the jeweled heart now wore a horrified expression.
Suddenly, an army of imp constables and many of the populace were swarming all over the jeweled heart. Oh no! Kltpzyxm thought. Imps like what me do with tribute so much they now all fighting over it! Me cause problems again! Not wanting to be at the center of a huge fight, he left.
"Where did Kltpzyxm go?" the Mayor asked General Vzzyrld as the army carried off the jeweled heart bonded to Mxyzptlk that once was the center of the Phantom Zone. "That wonderful Bizarro freed us from Mxyzptlk's trap!"
"He's a true hero," the General said. "Not even sticking around for a reward."
"If he ever returns, we'll have a parade in his honor. From here on out, this day shall be known as 'Kltpzyxm Day'!"
Part 3
"The child is quite healthy," the first alien said, watching the Bizarro child through the two-way mirror as he played.
"Yes," the second alien said, "an excellent specimen. Ripe with living DNA for our experiments."
"Will he even have DNA?" the first alien said. "Bizarros aren't alive in the normal sense. They are artificial beings. Some might call them androids, sophisticated to a degree we can barely comprehend. Each particle is a mimicry of a living cell."
"Oh, to be able to crack that secret," the second alien said dreamily.
"It is unfathomable that such a being owes its existence to an Earth-man," the first alien said. "They are so barbaric."
"He must be more evolved than the rest. I wouldn't mind having him in my lab for study," the second alien said.
"Good luck with that endeavor," the first alien snorted. "Even our most hated foe, Superman, has found Lex Luthor elusive prey. It was he who invented the device that created this race. If only we had gotten here sooner. It has been said that there were similar devices on this world."
"If only," the second alien agreed.
Part 4
Kltpzyxm was sad to discover the Bizarro World was no longer there. If only he had returned sooner. Perhaps he could have saved it from its fate.
He made a television screen appear before him so he could discover what had happened. He watched in apprehension as tremors shook the world. He witnessed as Bizarro #1 placed his only son in a rocket ship aimed at the planet's core. He moaned in horror at the world's destruction. He gasped in amazement at the tiny rocket ship floating unharmed in the midst of the debris and then as an alien ship used a tractor beam to draw it in to its cargo hold.
"There am a survivor!" Kltpzyxm said jubilantly. He snapped his fingers, making the screen blink out of existence. In a flash, he was gone.
Part 5
The Bizarro child sat contentedly, playing with the indestructible blocks the Superman Revenge Squad had provided for him along with a wide assortment of other specialized toys. He turned in surprise as Kltpzyxm appeared next to him, floating in the air.
"Hello!" the Bizzaro imp greeted happily.
"You am that bad little man who turn all the beautiful garbage into worthless treasures!" the Bizarro child said accusingly.
"Yes, that am me," Kltpzyxm said earnestly.
"Me daddy arrest you and put you in jail for it!"
"Yes. Him do that. But me go along peacefully when he catch me and me learn me lesson and me not do it again."
"Oh," the child said. "That am good. You want to play with me?"
"Me'd love to," the Bizarro imp said ecstatically, at the thought of making a new friend.
Part 6
"Have you noticed any weird occurrences?" The first alien asked the second.
"How do you mean?" the second one asked.
"Anything out of the ordinary?" the first one continued.
"Anything... bizarre?"
"No... everything it running perfectly. In fact... better than ever before. I'd say everything is perfect."
"That's what I mean," the first alien said. "Usually, we allow for at least a margin of error on behalf of the workers... or at least some sort of freakish occurence. That sort of thing that is unavoidable in day-to-day operations. But nothing of the sort has happened. Even when an accident has happened, it has inadvertantly righted itself and things have continued uninterrupted. That in itself is... bizarre."
"If that is bizarre," the second alien said, "then I wish things would be bizarre more often."
"Perhaps I am worrying for nothing, but I find it troubling nonetheless."
Floating nearby, invisible and undetected, Kltpzyxm laughed mischeviously...
Part 7
Kltpzyxm floated near the Bizarro child, watching him as he slept. It had been another fun day of playing with the child. He used his powers in various ways to entertain him. He enjoyed how confounded the aliens were when new toys appeared in the child's room and no one knew how they'd gotten there.
When the child would tire himself out and fall asleep was when he'd roam the ship invisibly to find other ways to entertain himself. He decided to find the two aliens and see how they were reacting to the latest inexplicable occurrences he was responsible for.
He found the two of them walking down a narrow corridor away from the shuttlecraft area.
"Those repairs that were supposed to be completed by the end of the week?" the first alien queried.
"Yes?" the second alien said.
"They are already completed... far ahead of schedule. And no one has stepped forward to claim credit for their performance."
"Unusual," the second alien said. "It is not uncommon for one to fear reprimand for taking credit for someone else's work."
"But why would none of them seek reward? One of them must be responsible!" the first alien exclaimed. Kltpzyxm held his hand over his mouth to stifle his laughter.
"It's just one of the many puzzling things that have happened of late," the second alien sighed. "Do you think the Bizarro child could somehow be related? They began shortly after he came to us."
"I doubt it. There is nothing in any previous account with Bizarros to make us believe they can cause such things to happen," the first alien replied.
"Or so current data leads us to believe. Of course, we will soon know far more about them than we ever did before," the second alien said.
"True. True," the first alien said. "The laboratory is preparing for invasive proceedures even as we speak."
"It will be most enlightning," the second alien said. "Much data will be gathered from the dissection. It will prove far more valuable as a weapon against the Man of Steel than the child itself ever would have."
Kltpzyxm felt a chill run up his spine. These two were not the amusing, if somewhat stiff, fellows he had thought they were.
Part 8
Kltpzyxm's mind was racing. He couldn't let harm come to his little friend. He disappeared from the corridor where the two aliens continued to talk about their plans for the young Bizarro. Plans such as constructing an army of Bizarros to conquer Earth once they had figured out how to create more and age them to adulthood.
He reappeared in the room of the Bizarro child and racked his imperfect brain for some way to thwart their plans. It suddenly came to him. If it was a Bizarro they wanted, then he had to make the child not a Bizarro. For once, his making the imperfect perfect would come to good use.
All Bizarro children are born perfect. It is a pupal stage. Much like the butterfly starts as a caterpillar. It was simplicity itself to reverse that process. Only this time, it would be perfect. In an instant, intead of a child of a Bizarro Superman and Bizarro Lois Lane, he was a normal Kryptonian/human hybrid.
"Now him not imperfect Bizarro like them want. Him am perfect," he said with satisfaction. "Him am perfect... uh-oh."
It dawned on him that a perfect specimen of Kryptonian biology might be even more valuable to the aliens. It was a rare moment of clarity for a Bizarro.
If leaving the rocketship in space put the boy in danger, then he needed to go back. In an instant, the rocket was transported back into space. He floated by it, sadly pearing into the window at his now perfect friend.
But where to send it? Where would he be safe from these enemies of Superman who wanted to harm him?
If these enemies of Superman were enemies of the boy, then Superman must be his friend. He focused his powers on giving the rocket the course of Superman's home and then the son of Bizarro #1 flew towards Earth in perfect form just as he had so many years ago.
Years ago, when he was the first child born on the Bizarro world, he had made the same trip by the accidental actions of his father. Bizarro #1 had hidden him away in a satellite to protect him from mobs of Bizarros who hated the perfect "freak." Instead, a collision with space debris had sent it on a course to earth. After a series of mishaps, he had been returned to his parents by Superman and Supergirl once his Bizarro nature was revealed. This time, it would be a one way trip.
Part 9
John and Mary had only eyes for each other despite the beauty of their mountain surroundings. Despite the serene setting and their attempts at levity, there was an underlying sadness.
"I've been thinking," John said. "I want us to try again."
"John," she said, turning her head so she didn't have to look into his eyes. "I don't know if I can take another disappointment. "Everytime I think there's some hope, it's taken away from us. I don't think I can handle that again."
"I'm not ready to give up," he said. "I see all these other people with kids and think, 'Why can't that be us?' We'd be good parents. I know it. We're good people, Mary. I know we'd be good parents."
"I think so, too," she said, looking as if she were ready to cry, "but it just doesn't seem to be happening for us. And every time we try, something goes wrong. I don't know if I can handle it again, John. You don't know how hard it is on me."
"I'm sorry," he said, taking her hand. "I know it's got to be even harder on you. It's just that this was always a dream we shared and I'm having a hard time letting go of it." He looked up and said in exasperation, "I just wish there was some sort of sign whether or not it was meant to be!"
At that moment, the rocket ship carrying the former Bizarro child crash-landed in the nearby field, startling them both. "What in the hell?" John exclaimed.
The two of them ran to where the ship had crashed. "There's a child inside!" John yelled. "What kind of a sicko would send a kid up in a rocket ship!"
"We've got to get him out!" Mary said. "It's liable to blow up!"
John ran over and pulled the small boy out of the rocket and ran to where Mary stood. "I don't believe it," he said. "The poor kid has on one of those Superman playsuits. That explains a lot. Some nut with a Superman fixation shot him into space!"
"We should call the police," Mary said. "Whoever did this needs to be reported!"
At that moment, the rocket ship exploded, completely vaporizing it. "There goes the evidence," John said. "Reporting this might not be the best idea. Any guy that can afford to build his own rocket ship has to be pretty powerful. We might be putting the little guy in danger."
"Then what do we do?" Mary said. A smile came across John's face. "You mean... keep him?"
"I'm a syndicated cartoonist. I work from home. Plus we live so far out. We don't have to see anyone if we don't want to. Which we practically never do, living out here. We can pass him off as ours. He's young enough that we can say he was born at home during the last few years. What's your name, son?"
"I... I don't know..." the child said, his memory having been lost due to the spell that changed him from Bizarro to perfect.
"Poor little guy's in shock," John said sypathetically.
"He has to have a name," Mary said. "What should we call him? I know... a combination of your name and mine. My maiden name and our last name."
"Sounds like a plan!" John said enthusiastically. "Welcome to the family, Kent Shakespeare," He said, mussing the young boy's hair which brought a grin to his face. John Shakespeare lifted the boy up and placed him on his shoulders to carry him back to the cabin and to a new life.
Epilogue
Kltpzyxm felt sad and alone as he sat amidst the floating rocks that once were the Bizarro World known to its citizens as Htrae. The only friend he had was now perfect and probably didn't even remember him. He was now the last Bizarro. And an imperfectly imperfect one by their standards. The boy had been the last true Bizarro and he was a Bizarro no more.
He felt a monument to the Bizarro race was in order, but what kind? As he stared at the rocks, it suddenly came to him. He waved his hands, flexed his enchanted muscles, and it came to be.
He could think of no more fitting tribute to the lost Bizarro race. He loved it for what he saw as beautiful for its perfection and symetry, ninety-degree angles from whichever way you looked at it. A perfect cube. The Bizarros had seen it as perfectly imperfect because it was the exact opposite of every other planet out there with its ugly perfect roundnes. Htrae, the square Bizarro planet, lived again... even if it was absent of the wonderful madcap race that once dwelled upon it. A tear rolled down Kltpzyxm's angular face and then he disappeared.